In this blog, we will be joined by child psychologist Jarmila Tomkova to explore the delicate balance between nurturing our children's independence and addressing our natural parental concerns. Together, we will delve into strategies for fostering a sense of autonomy in our children while implementing safety measures to ensure their well-being.
"Setting boundaries between freedom and safety is not a fixed concept," explains Jarmila. "It is very individual and relies on the child's age and readiness. On the one hand, the parent needs information to be able to let go and trust that the child will remain safe online as well as offline, but on the other hand, by allowing the child to have a sense of freedom, we are building their confidence in their own decision making, which comes in handy later on."
"It is important to note that nothing in life is 100% certain," Jarmila emphasises. "While we might have 100% certainty that the child is safe by controlling their every move online, their full safety into the future and readiness to make their own decisions is built differently. However, full freedom from a very young age is also not good. We need to work together with the child to determine when and how to push the boundaries."
Boundaries are age-specific
"Children before the age of 9, particularly kindergartners and early school grades, are the first users of the digital world. This is the age when control and full monitoring are not only preferred, but necessary and psychologically important," explains Jarmila. "Their cognitive system and thinking are not yet able to make independent decisions and need guidance, almost like a user manual. Kids need boundaries to not feel stuck in chaos."
"It is not only necessary to set boundaries on how much they can use their devices – time scheduling of their “online activity time slots” contributed to their health and psycho-hygiene, but also at what times and what kind of apps and websites they can visit, as well as the content that is acceptable. Just as we show them good dental hygiene: we teach them to brush their teeth twice a day and that it is also good to use floss, and not very beneficial to eat candy all day long. The child may not like the rules and at the beginning, but by reminding them daily, and leading them through the activity, it will become a habit, where our supervision is less and less needed." Jarmila emphasises. "Teaching kids about proper online behaviours can happen through actions, videos, games, and enjoying the online space together, rather than just a set of rules."
"Giving your child proper guidelines before they are allowed more freedom is the best way to prepare them for what's coming," Jarmila advises. "When the child is slightly older (early teenage years around 10-13 years of age), the paradigm starts to shift. They might even ask for more freedom themselves when they feel like they can handle it. It is good to listen to them and work out together the best possible way to move forward. Here we start to shift from full control to monitoring, with the parent setting rules based on a conversation with the child, keeping the child’s needs and wants in mind."
As the child nears adulthood, Jarmila advises, "It is most essential to trust the child and rely on seeing that the child is not spending all their time online, has activities, and there are no major problems. I would only revert back to monitoring in case there are serious issues arising."
Reasons for reverting back to monitoring and control
Gradually giving children more freedom online and taking on the role of a guide rather than a ruler is normal as they get older. However, there are instances where taking back control can be necessary and beneficial.
The reasons for reverting back to monitoring and control might include:
- Excessive use of the online space
- Neglect of other activities
- Secrecy in their online behaviour
- Their online world becoming bigger than their offline world
"If the child is spending too much time online, and it is affecting their other activities and personality, it's important to revisit the rules we've set and try to find a solution," advises Jarmila. "If there is a serious problem, it might even be a good idea to talk to a professional. The use of security tools and measures might also be beneficial, particularly with small kids, but even older children can benefit in certain circumstances. However, I strongly advise using dialogue and understanding, before any such measures with older kids"
Learn more about the different security measures you can take.
"I need to emphasise that unless there is a problem, it can do more harm than good to overly control the child and not allow them their freedom. It can have an impact on their mental health, our relationship, and their confidence," stresses Jarmila when asked why freedom is so important. "If they are engaging with the rest of the world and not solely living on their phone, there is no reason to restrict them."
Risks to controlling a child too much – if there is no reason to restrict
Parent-child relationship: erosion of trust, feelings of insignificance, lack of empowerment and voice, diminished self-worth, learned sense of helplessness, and decreased ability to make independent decisions.
Social impact: difficulty fitting in with peers, lack of understanding of social dynamics and culture, and challenges in social integration.
Trust yourself! You´ve done a good job
First of all, it is important to understand that everything we do is and should be for the benefit of the child, not to overcome our own insecurities. "Nothing we ever do will ever be 100%. I like to think of it as the rule of 70. 70% is good enough; the more we push on ourselves and our children, the less beneficial it is for them, for us, and for our relationship," explains Jarmila. "Parents need to trust that the rules and the ways they've shown their kids when they were young are good enough. They've done their part. Now it is up to the child to navigate their own lives."
Making mistakes is very human, and our kids will make them just as we do. "Yes, there might come a moment when we see our kid struggling, making mistakes, but see that as an opportunity to learn, not the end of the world. Show them how to learn from their mistakes, and how to move forward. Be there for them, but do not push them. Situations like these can be learning opportunities for both," concludes Jarmila.
