Breaking down body shaming: A conversation with a child psychologist

In your opinion, what is body shaming?

Body shaming is any form of degradation related to the body – its appearance, function, health or other aspects. In some cases, it can be associated with (or fall under) unfair communication, bullying or even hate speech. An essential aspect of body shaming is that it is culturally embedded. Every culture has certain stereotypes or norms of what is conventionally attractive and desirable, and it is common for these stereotypes to vary widely across the globe. While in some countries the ideal body may be a thin figure, in other cultures it may be a strong, athletic physique and so on. The ideal of beauty also changes greatly over time. But these stereotypes, however arbitrary, often serve as the basis for body shaming. In most cases, the principle of body shaming is relating a person to the stereotypical norm.

Are people of all ages affected by the same stereotypes? Because it often seems like parents are affected by stereotypes they grew up with rather than the current ones.  

Yes, there may be differences between various age groups. This sometimes becomes apparent when we compare the views of parents and grandparents. In some families, children may experience their parents telling them, overtly or subtly, to lose weight, while at the same time hearing comments from their grandparents about how they should gain weight.

But both comments can have a negative impact on the child’s confidence, right?

Yes. In fact, all comments that objectify someone's appearance suggest that how we look is something that can be publicly discussed and judged. But it’s not, is it? And sometimes, body shaming does not even have to be verbalized to be hurtful. For example, if a parent sees that their child is eating and, in reaction, they chuckle or make a grimace, they are still shaming the child. And in some cases, even poorly worded compliments can be considered body shaming. For example, if someone says to a kid, “It's nice to see you eating, you're finally starting to look healthy and strong,” it may seem like a nice comment, but it can make the child feel like their body is getting too big or that there was something wrong with them before - which is never nice to hear.

So, even positive comments are not always at odds with body shaming?

We should always be mindful when complimenting our child's appearance. As the example above shows, an imprudent compliment can make the child feel less confident. In addition, commenting on our child's looks – positively or negatively – and making his or her appearance the focus of discussion can send the message that our bodies are our most important feature, which is not true. 

“Online, every negative comment is an invitation for more criticism.”

Are there any differences between online and offline body shaming?

Both are commonly negative normative, and both may lead to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety or even depression. But in the online world, body shaming can take a whole different turn.

What makes online body shaming so problematic?

Online, people often feel less connected to others, and so they have the tendency to be less sensitive about what they say to others – especially on social media. Every negative comment serves as an invitation to more criticism, creating a ripple effect. When we body shame someone on the internet, those words don’t just fade away – they stay there for anyone to see. As a result, a shaming comment may hurt more than just the targeted individual. Since the comments remain visible to all, others may take the criticism to themselves and think: “I look similar to this person, and they are being laughed at. Does that mean that there’s something wrong with me?”  Every appearance-based comment contributes to the overall culture of body shaming. We need to be better and more mindful digital citizens.

Does this mean that social media sites are harmful?

Not exactly. In fact, they can be a great space for communication, creativity, development, etc. But on the other hand, they also contain problematic content, and they surround users with exaggerated stereotypes of beauty and unattainable perfection. For example, before and after pictures are a common format one can come across online. These photos are often related to weight loss or plastic surgery. While this type of content may be captivating for the user, it implies that we need to drastically change in order to be better, to be beautiful and even just to be “good enough.” 

But even if one changes, they may still not reach the beauty ideal. 

Yes, because beauty standards that are presented online are often completely impossible to reach. Frequently, the images we come across on social media are heavily retouched or embellished by beauty filters. This creates the pressure to be perfect – both online and off. But offline, there is at least some context which is often missing on the internet. When a child sees an altered picture of someone in a swimsuit they may feel inadequate because they do not – and cannot – reach this standard. But while they still may compare themselves to others when they go to a beach or a pool, they will also see people who do not look like supermodels. The offline world grounds us in the reality of possible imperfection, which takes some of the pressure off. 

It’s not just about the comments.

“When we think of body shaming, we often imagine negative comments voiced by specific individuals. But personally, I think body shaming is also the creation, maintenance and promotion of unattainable beauty standards. It is the pressure that we need to look a certain way to be seen not only as beautiful but also as generally valuable,” Jarmila Tomková explains. 

What are some preventive measures parents can take to fight body shaming and its effect on their children?

First off, they should speak openly about body shaming and beauty standards with their children. From my experience, kids, especially teens, are interested in the topic. They should consider the topic in terms of both offline and online worlds. When it comes to the latter, emphasize that the internet offers just a glimpse of reality – and sometimes even less than that as online content is often altered to look a certain way. Also, parents should encourage their children not to spend too much time on social media and support selective consumption of online content. Children sometimes forget this, but they don’t have to blindly follow algorithms and consume everything they are offered. We, as parents, can help children become “proactive users” rather than passive consumers. We can encourage them to set their own boundaries, select what they want to see, and ditch what makes them feel bad. If they use the internet responsibly, they can enjoy the benefits that the online world offers, all while protecting their confidence - but this is often easier said than done. To support their children in being selective consumers, parents can speak of their own experiences, explain their feelings, and describe how they work with them. This will help children find it easier to identify their own triggers and avoid them in the future. 

What about the offline world?

Parents can think about their own role. What kind of role model are they for their kids? Are they respectful towards others – and themselves? They can also search for various positive examples, such as brands promoting body diversity, celebrities speaking openly of the issue of body shaming and content creators who emphasize that what is posted online isn’t always the reality. For instance, there are creators who convey their message by posting a set of two contrasting pictures: one can be posed and the other one relaxed, or they are taken some time – and perhaps a few meals – apart. Their bodies often look very different in the two pictures, showing us that bodies change all the time, and that what we see online can be just one selected bit of a whole, diverse reality. Parents can share this sort of content and discuss their message with children. Finally, parents should encourage their kids never to trust the haters, and repeatedly assure them that their worth is not dictated by someone else’s words.

What should children do when they encounter body shaming? 

If they become the target of body shaming online – or even if they just see someone else being shamed – there are several steps they can take. They can delete or report the comment, block the user, or even take a screenshot if the comment really crosses a line and they want to show it to someone, such as a parent or possibly a teacher. If they see someone else being shamed, they can also offer their support to the person and let them know that they are not alone. On the other hand, trying to argue with the haters themselves is usually just a waste of energy, so children should avoid that.

Is healthy confidence the best antidote to body shaming?

Yes, but even those who are confident can be hurt by body shaming. This is why we need to encourage children to talk about their experiences and feelings – with their parents, siblings, other family members or friends. They should not feel left alone with their emotions. When they have someone they can rely on, the words of their peers or random strangers on the internet will not feel too heavy to bear. And after all, they may even find supportive communities online. We have discussed a lot of the risks today – but the truth is, the internet can also be a place that helps us explore the world, make new friends, and bring us all closer together.